The loss of a spouse is known to be the most stressful life experience, but it is one that most people will face. The loss can be especially difficult when the couple has been together for most of their lives, but there are ways we can help them through the grief. If one of your parents is grieving the loss of a long-term spouse, here are some things to remember.
Grief is Natural: Grieving is not only a natural process, but it is a necessary one. Grief is inherent in our emotions and meant to be experienced, not stifled. The essential first step, then, is to accept that grieving will occur.
Everyone Handles Grief Differently: Giving a loved one the latitude they need to face the situation in their own way will be helpful. Trying to change the subject, keep them busy, or store photos or mementos away too quickly will simply lead to a delayed and possibly less natural grief process. Experts recommend that you leave the home, clothes, or photos exactly where they are for weeks, months, even a year. Each person will decide on their own when they are ready to pack things away.
Grief Can Show Up in Many Forms: Grieving a long-term spouse is an exceptionally personal process and may manifest in any number of ways. Sometimes the surviving spouse cries, but they may not. Anger is common, as is withdrawal, growing distant, and not wanting to speak with anyone. However, the person who is silent for weeks may suddenly want to talk for hours. Adult children should allow their parent’s grief to unfold, even though it may present your parent in ways you do not expect.
Your very stoic dad may not be able to stop crying. Your passionate mom seems disinterested. It is important to let go of any expectations and preconceived thoughts you had about how your loved one should handle their grief. It can be uncomfortable, but simply being there and understanding is the best thing a loved one can do.
Help With Day to Day Tasks: Often, if a couple was married for a long time, each had daily tasks and chores they were responsible for. When a long-term spouse passes away, the surviving person may grow agitated about who will handle those tasks. “He always fed the dog; who is going to feed the dog?” Ask the surviving spouse how you can help daily, concentrating on those chores that they are not used to handling because the other person did. Sometimes, staying busy doing mundane, familiar things can help their grief – and yours.
You Don’t Have to Say Anything: Some family members want to speak about the deceased, remembering happy times and memories. This conversation can be very healing and cathartic, celebrating the person you loved so much. But there are also times when no words will help, and your simple presence, or holding someone’s hand while they cry, is the best support you can offer. Remember, there is nothing that can be said that will “fix” the situation. You can say nothing will make the loss of someone they lived with for 60 years easier to bear. You need to let them work through their grief. Just be there.
It’s Okay for You to Grieve As Well: If you are helping a loved one, such as a parent, grieve the loss of a long-term spouse, you are grieving as well. Don’t let the desire to help your mom or dad cause you to ignore your own necessary grief process. Don’t hide your emotions from your parent or loved one; be vulnerable. Your mutual loss can be shared and carried together, creating a special bond.
Grief is never easy, but situations which cause grief are inevitable. Allowing the process to take place naturally is the healthiest way to cope and move on.
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