Life moves fast. It seems only yesterday we were children looking up to our parents for guidance and advice. Suddenly we realize that as adults, the roles are beginning to shift – and many times, our aging parents need us to help them make life decisions. After years of listening to our parents, we now try to get them to listen to us – and sometimes, that can be a difficult transition for everyone involved.
It shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone that the role reversal is difficult for aging seniors who may not want to give up their independence so easily. A recent Penn State University study found that 77% of participants were frustrated that their parents simply would not listen to advice. Perhaps that is payback for our teenage years, but in reality, sometimes Mom and Dad really do need help. Learning how to speak to them so that they listen and accept your advice is an important skill to develop in this phase of life.
It is a rare person who isn’t set in their ways by adulthood, and senior citizens even more so. No one likes being told what to do, but unfortunately some elderly individuals really do need guidance in order to make safe and practical decisions. For instance, an adult child may notice that driving is becoming unsafe for their parents; or perhaps that they never seem to remember to shut off the stove. When we begin to worry that our parents are unsafe but they are too independent and stubborn to accept our advice, what can be done?
Speaking to Aging Parents
Be Empathetic and Understanding: Aging is a difficult reality for anyone to accept. Many elderly and seniors are living with anxiety, loneliness or even dementia and depression. All of these are likely to cause an aging parent to react in a negative manner when they think you are trying to “take something from them”, especially control or autonomy. Try to empathize with your parents and put yourself in their position in order to better understand their reaction. You should also properly evaluate the situation. Are they reacting our of anger, or is dementia simply causing confusion?
Accept their Feelings: Unless your parents are a danger to themselves or others, unwelcome advice may never be accepted. The reality is, you can’t control your parents, and you may have to allow them to make choices you don’t agree with. Permit them to make decisions as long as they are mentally capable to do so, even if you would make a different choice. You can lower the level of stress and anxiety simply by accepting their wishes.
Choose Your Battles: Think carefully about how often you offer advice, and save your voice for the times where the decisions really are critical. Speaking up and offering your opinion too often will come across as nagging, and can be irritating to anyone. Practice only offering your opinion when it affects their health, safety or financial security. If feedback is less frequent, they are more likely to listen to you. So let mom eat popcorn for breakfast, or Dad to wear his pajamas in the backyard. When it is appropriate to talk to them, be conversational, not judgmental or authoritarian.
Remember They Are Adults: One of the most insulting behaviors we can exhibit to our aging parents is to treat them like children. They have lived a long life caring for themselves and others. So even though they may need help now in some aspects of their life, avoid treating them like they are a stubborn child. Pulling rank is likely to put them on the defensive quickly.
Be Kind to Yourself: Even the experts admit they have struggles dealing with their aging parents. Sometimes all you can do is stay close and step in if there is danger. This is difficult for everyone, so don’t be too hard on yourself.
If the decision to be made is about a move to assisted living, involve your parents as much as you can. Give them the opportunity to tour facilities, and tell you where they feel comfortable. The team at A Banyan Residence in the Villages will be happy to schedule a tour and show you and your parents our campus.
