One of the harsh realities of aging is that you are likely to lose people who are important to you. Whether the loss of a spouse or the death of a close friend, processing the accompanying emotions can be difficult. If you have a grieving parent, it is easy to feel at a loss for words, especially as you may be grieving yourself. The grief experience can invoke deep emotions, including anger, guilt, depression, and intense sadness. Those surrounding a grieving person can feel uncomfortable conveying their sympathy and empathy, making them feel even more emotionally isolated.
We should never permit our discomfort to stop us from reaching out to those who need compassion and support. Remember, we don’t have to provide answers (there are none) or give advice (everyone is different). Simply being there for someone can facilitate their grief process.
Helping a Grieving Parent
The most useful advice we’ve heard from experts is to not allow fear about saying the wrong thing to stop you from conveying your sympathy to someone you love. Instead, employ these basic suggestions.
- Let them know that you are available to listen to anything they want to share
- Try not to characterize their sorrow or judge their grief – everyone experiences loss differently.
- Ask if there are any tangible ways you can help – cook a meal, run errands, or mow the lawn, for instance.
- Don’t be a stranger after the funeral – be consistent with visits and communication.
Understanding the Process
There is no “standard” way to express grief, nor is there an acceptable time frame for sadness to be “complete.” Grief manifests in unpredictable and unexpected ways. Those who appear fine one day can experience an emotional episode the following day. When you spend time with them, try not to manage responses or tell them how they “should be feeling.”
Your grieving parent may pace for hours in the backyard, obsess over regrets and missed opportunities, or get irritated at people who come to visit. It is vital not to take these responses personally. While mental health experts estimate the grieving process to last approximately 18-24 months, the process may vary in length depending on the individual and the circumstances surrounding the death.
Talking with a Grieving Parent
Many people are prone to rehearse what they will say when visiting a grieving person, but it is more important to simply listen. Most people need to feel that someone recognizes their sadness and feels comfortable talking about their grief however they see fit. You should take cues from their words and actions when responding. If they talk about happy memories, you should share some as well. If they want to talk about the circumstances surrounding death, let them express themselves. Just affirm what they are saying, and tell them you are there for them.
Many family members assume they shouldn’t talk about the deceased person, afraid that mentioning their name will cause pain. But no one wants to pretend a loved one didn’t exist, and they never wish them to be forgotten. Ask your parent if they feel like talking. Let them lead the conversation, and don’t unnaturally navigate away from uncomfortable subjects. Allow them to talk about their loved one’s death, as retelling the details makes it easier to process their grief over time. Remember – just being there to listen is helping them to heal. If you are truly at a loss as to what to say, simply ask “What can I do for you today?”
At A Banyan Residence, we are dedicated to the overall health and well-being of all our residents – whether emotional or physical health is in question. If you are seeking an assisted living residence for your parent, we invite you to visit our facility in The Villages.
