When a parent dies, grief is the natural reaction. It doesn’t matter if the deceased was young or old; the loved ones left behind will need to process the lost connection. Unfortunately, many people assume that losing an elderly parent should be “easier” because they lived a full life. However, our grief is not diminished because our Mom or Dad was elderly or lived a full life. The true impact of grief represents loss, and loss hurts no matter the circumstance. If you have recently lost a parent, the ability to process your emotion healthily is essential.
The Depth of the Parental Connection
We sometimes underestimate the depth of the connection we experience with our parents. No matter how our lives have evolved once we are adults- whether we got married, have a career, or a houseful of children – a parent’s death signifies the loss of one of our most important life connections. Adult children often use the time after their parent’s death to remember all their parents did for them, all of the special times and memories, and all the challenges they faced and overcame. Once they are gone, family members tend to recall their parents as unique individuals – with lots of life experiences – for the first time in decades.
Before a parent passes away, we understand intellectually that they will die someday. But that head knowledge doesn’t relieve any grief when we finally lose them. No matter their age, family members still experience the traditional five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These progressive coping phases help people keep living even after a loved one has died.
- Stage 1 – Denial: The denial process gets a bad rap, but it is actually a healthy emotion. Denial helps us to process the shock of what just happened, allowing the grief to proceed at a safe pace. Our mind will allow us to experience only as much as we can handle. Denial usually doesn’t represent denying the death itself – instead, it manifests as disbelief – disbelief that you will never see them again or that they will not be calling you every week as they used to. Denial allows acceptance of reality to occur at a pace we can manage.
- Stage 2 – Anger: Anger is vital for healing after a loss, and it shouldn’t be suppressed. The more deeply you authentically experience anger, the more quickly you can move past it. Individuals may feel anger if they believe their parent didn’t take care of themselves, or they may feel anger at a physician for their treatment that didn’t work. Those left behind may feel guilty or feel compelled to blame others. The way anger manifests may not seem logical, so overthinking it will be fruitless. No matter the variables, no amount of anger can change what happened, allowing the emotion to run its course. Anger confirms that your connection was real and that your loss is significant.
- Stage 3 – Bargaining: Before the death occurred, you may have done some bargaining to try to change the outcome. Once they are gone, bargaining manifests through “what if” or “if only” statements. Like all the stages, the bargaining stage provides safe navigation through processing our emotions and helps us feel a bit more in control. Bargaining can move us forward after a parent dies, permitting us to make deals in our minds that help us cope.
- Stage 4 – Depression: Grief can feel the most extreme once we’ve exhausted all of our “coping” mechanisms and are faced with the grim reality of the loss. Depression may feel all-encompassing, and some even feel like they are losing their minds. However, most people are simply naturally and appropriately progressing through grief. The loss of a mother or father is a sad event regardless of the circumstances. Depression is not terminal and, once confronted, should dissipate.
- Stage 5 – Acceptance: Once we have processed through our grief, we accept the reality of our new situation – life without our parents. We don’t have to be happy with the new reality, but we can eventually accept it and move on.
Overall, when a parent dies, be kind to yourself. The loss of a parent can change everything, and our emotions may sneak up on us for years to come. Allow yourself to process through anything you feel, and you will get to the other side of grief.
A Banyan Residence provides caring and compassionate care for seniors needing assisted living or memory care services in The Villages.